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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

No, you wouldn't want me to be your girlfriend.

I'm moody. Sometimes when I feel like it, I just wouldn't want to talk. I'd get mad at you for reasons that you'll never ever know. I'll sometimes exaggerate body pains and fever just so I'd hear you express your concerns.

I'm possessive. It may look like everything's okay, but once you turn your back my jealousy creeps in and the next thing you know I'm already stalking whoever that is.

I always try to get even. Most of the time, you'd find yourself losing in every argument.

I am 100% violent. Yes, I hit people. No, not really intentional. But sometimes when I find you really annoying you can expect a hit or two.

I can be nice to all people except you. Yes, that's how I knew that I like you. I am harsh. Sarcastic. Sometimes, my words would crush you to bits. And yes, I like it when you crumble right in front of me (kidding.) Just concede and we're fine.

I am a lot of other annoying things, but it takes someone man enough to see through all those to know how I really am. I just want someone who would always be there for me, and who's afraid to lose me. Being in a relationship where I was always the last priority made me feel like I was always the last resort. Yes, I am not a controlling girlfriend, but it seemed like I wasn't a girlfriend at all. I guess giving someone all the freedom and the liberty to do everything at his will while being in a relationship doesn't show how understanding of a girlfriend you are. From my experience, it just gave him more time to enjoy things by himself, making him realize that having or not having a girlfriend doesn't have any difference at all.

With what we are having now, I'm afraid that every good thing would just be at the start. Somehow, I'm scared to know what lies ahead. Everything makes me happy but I'm not sure what will happen if it ends. I'm trying to enjoy every minute of it. And I am always gonna be grateful to you, because you helped me get through a lot. Still, it's hard not to think that maybe everything here is temporary.

So, yes, I'm officially afraid of what the future would bring.

3:11 PM | back to top

Friday, April 15, 2011

Hi. Before I begin, I must tell you that this might be the last letter I'll write you. I'm not gonna say that this would be the last, I know one day I'll eventually write you something. But for now, this is the last about you, me, us.

I've been wanting to write for quite some time now, but I felt the need to wait for a while before I do. And I guess now is the right time. A lot has happened over the past weeks, and I think it all happened for a reason. As I go back to my entries these past weeks, I realized that after almost a year, I still wasn't over you. And I think that's because I still kept everything in, and never shared anything to anyone else. But as I write you those letters, everything seemed to come out and I felt so relieved. Those letters helped me with moving on.

Your texts, on the other hand, didn't. Everytime you do, I felt like you still want to keep me waiting. Or I guess it's just me and my still-hopeful self. Like I'm still hoping that maybe you'd ask me to get back together with you after your graduation, as you're not gonna be that busy by then. I was still hoping you'd remember your Valentine's day promise that we'd go out, just the two of us, after your graduation. But you didn't. Our texts last March 26 made me realize that there's no use in hoping and not letting go. There's nothing between us anymore. I didn't feel anything special, compared to when you texted me last February. It's like texting an old friend, with awkward Hi's and Hello's. And again, we're back to being just friends.

I guess we really are not for each other. We already tried twice, and we failed both times. I know we both did our best, but it wasn't enough to keep us together. I don't want to say that our relationship is bad, but there's something that seriously went wrong. Whatever it is, I don't want to know anymore. I'd rather just keep it like this.

I just want to say thank you for everything. For 15 months, I experienced emotions that are all new to me, and you taught me a lot in handling relationships. I guess I owe you a lot. Thanks for all those things you shared with me, and for all those months that you shared your life with me. And yes, you'll forever be my one and only Pars. :)

ps. I don't regret agreeing to stay friends with you anymore. That's just my bitter self. Hehe. Peace!

2:39 PM | back to top

this is late
Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Would you kill me if I didn't post anything last 26th? Haha. Weird diba, kung kelan yung eksaktong araw, tsaka ako hindi nagpost.

Well aside from the fact that I got so busy that day, I also wasn't feeling it. Like anything special. I do know it's our day, but still, I know nothing great would come out of it.

I didn't really expect to get anything from you, let alone a 'hi'. But there it was when I opened facebook. I was even just using my phone when I saw it. Honestly, I was surprised. Expecting, not really. I was just wondering if you would even remember. But you didn't say anything, you just asked how I was. Then I replied. Then you replied. Then I did, and texted you after because I wasn't going to wait for another hour or day to ask you that one question I've been wanting to ask-- why now?

I pretended to be surprised that that day's the 26th. So I had the excuse to ask why just now did you consider talking to me, when the last time we talked was last Valentines, which was, what, more than a month ago? Speaking of which, at that time, sadya din ba yun? Because when I asked you last Saturday why you chose that day to talk to me again, you said sadya talaga yun. I wasn't able to know the reason why.

And really, I hate not knowing why. There must be a reason. May it be pleasant or not, I don't care. I deserve to know, right? What are we doing here, really? Why don't we just say things directly, and stop going around in circles?

But I do thank you for making the effort (finally, no? haha) in maintaining contact. I realized we never talk unless you talk to me first. I actually wanted to say something first, but I always chicken out and end up not saying anything at all. Don't think that I don't think about you or us, just reading my recent posts would tell you otherwise. I'm just really good in hiding it (and this blog).

So, back to "The-supposedly-march-26-post" . I actually planned on writing something, but as I've said I was too busy. I didn't even know what to write. I thought of writing the next day but we went to Caliraya and I left my thoughts in the middle of the lake.

So what am I supposed to put there? That I regret not celebrating last year's 3/26 with more romance and style? That I didn't expect that that would be our first and last? That I shouldn't have been too maarte that day and that I should've tried to be sweeter to you that day?


You won't be getting any sentiments this time. Looking back, it was actually sweet, though very, very simple. The rain may have washed out all our plans, but hey, we're always good at Plan B. Hell yeah, we're kickin ass at Plan Bs. The lunch and dinner with you was great. It was in timezone that I found out that I'm so gonna beat you dead at arcade games (but yeah okay, you win in racing). And when you held my hand near your heart, it perfectly capped off the night.

But you know what I was planning on that day, had it not rained while I was in Korean class? I was planning on a sweet picnic in Ecopark. Yeah, not posh park or anything, but that was kind of private especially on weekdays. I just love it when we sit together and just be quiet, occassional talks about stuff, your usual kakupalan and my usual kasungitan/kaartehan. Then we'll eat lunch, picnic-style. Then we'd rent bikes and go biking around the place. Then we'd walk around, take some pictures to remember the day. Then I'd give you the letter. Then we'd go home and talk a bit more. Then I'd kiss you goodbye and we'll talk till we get sleepy. Ah, the ending to that day we could've had.

But well, things happen because that's what's meant to happen. And now here we are. No more quiet moments, no more sweet nothings, no more mushy pet names, no more random iloveyou's. Is this how things are meant to be? I don't know. Who does, anyway?

1:40 PM | back to top

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dear March,

You son of a b****! We're still halfway before April and yet you're already ruining my life. I hate you! I thought we're friends. Back then we've been really close. You always put an end to every agonizing school year and stressful second sems. You start summer classes real cool. You are with me in welcoming the friendly/scorching heat of summer. And now, after all these years, this is what I get? Laglagan na ba? I hate you!

I thought you're gonna be good to me because February bullied me with his valentine hits, and here you are making me feel such a loser. You are making things worse! You are the one to blame for all these pimples coming out of my face. I don't even recognize some of them! You could already play connect the dots with my face for crying out loud! Gahd I hate you so much! I've been crying and sleeping late at night. I'm getting so much stress at work and you still give me all these emotional stress that I really should not be feeling, plus you're making me really ugly.

Fine. I concede. Kill me now if you want to. If February connived with you in trying to make me feel so down, go ahead. Bring it on. Bring on your sentimental nostalgic hits. February could even still hit me with his valentines, I don't care. I know April's gonna be my friend. I know, I've got one in real life, suck that!

Oh how I loathe you!

Dear Trish,

What did I do to you? All I am is another month in your year! You're the one making yourself feel all these stress. Am I not helping you relieve them by making you cry them out? Didn't you feel better after your every tearful episode? For God's sake, chill. Don't blame everything on me.

Fine. I may be the one holding your most precious memories, but hey, don't blame me! It's your choice! I didn't volunteer to be your month of months! You both chose this day, this month.

Seriously, stop bitchin me and go find a job. Haha. (Trish: I AM LOOKING!) No, really, seriously. Instead of blaming me, why don't you consider me as the month where you're gonna cry and let everything out, and finally stop. Finally let go and move on? Instead of making me your enemy, why not accept me again as your friend? I still have fifteen days left to prove to you that I am a friend, not a fiend. Go ahead. You know, you're actually doing really good right now. Maybe you're just focusing too much on the negatives, why don't you go look at the bright side? Though you shouldn't stare too long, too much brightness could damage your eyesight. Go ahead and enjoy my last few days, ok?

Why don't you go out with Doray and Memekh? Or go and play with Venize more. Or focus on your idea (you know what I mean). You have lots of things to do. The stress you're feeling now are just challenges to you. Stop blaming anyone (anymonth, in my case) and man up. Face them. This time, giving up is not an option.

Friends again? :)

I so have nothing to do with those pimples! Don't you have any hormones?!

9:08 AM | back to top

Monday, March 14, 2011

Guess what! After 5 years of blogging, I'm a post away from my 100th entry! Haha. If I had posted those that are still saved as drafts, this would probably be the 100th. Oh well.

Anyway, 100 or not, still this is about you. The heck, I'm over the depression state, but still, this is how I'm feeling. This has been going on for about a month already, and this is seriously not healthy! I am losing weight (well, this is a good thing though) and feeling a bit down.

Actually about a week ago I was perfectly fine. Until I had that long trip from Makati to our place. I just came from a job interview and lunch with Memekh and Doray, and I wasn't in a rush to get home. Being stuck in traffic wasn't really a problem with me, I guess it's because of my veeeeeeery long patience with everything. I also like the tranquility I get when I am alone daydreaming and just thinking.

I was thinking about my pending application, when suddenly I thought of you. Randomly, out-of-nowhere. I don't know why, as the past days have passed without me thinking of you. I thought of one question Elijah asked me when I went to her work last week. She was surprised when I was there and she asked me about you. She told me you went there and when she asked about us, you said we're okay. As in, OKAY okay. Anyway, I thought of what I'll tell you if you ask me why I'd let you go. Trying to find the right words to answer that question is somewhat painful for me. Everytime I think about it, I start to cry. Like, cry literally. And you know how my tearglands are! So it really must be hurtful to just think of it.

Well, here it is. The answer to the most painful question anyone would ever ask me, "Why did I let you go?" (I'll answer in taglish since that's how I put it while I was thinking about it.)

I let you go kasi mahal kita. At alam kong nahihirapan ka na. And I know, you'd do better if I did. I feel that I've been such a nuisance and annoyance to you the last few months, so I guess I should stop and let you do your stuff now. I want you to focus on your studies, because I know you'd still be able to snag that laude. Masakit lang sakin ngayon na makitang tama nga ako. Na you're better off without me. Like now, you're getting all these achievements, when nung tayo pa, you dropped a subject, you didn't get first place in Awitan, you lost focus in school. But now, look at you! Graduating (and more likely, with honors). You'd probably even snag the first job you apply to. Also, masakit sakin na makitang kang mas masaya ngayon kesa dati. Unlike me, who's going through a tough time trying to stay away from things related to you.

Pero, somehow, ginusto ko rin naman kasi eh. Kasi nga gusto ko, dun ka sa mage-excel ka. Kasi diba, once you love someone, you'd do everything to make them happy. You'll go out of your way to give them the best. And I guess, letting you go is the best thing I could give you. Kahit masakit sakin, gusto ko kasi mag-excel ka. Kasi alam kong naka-set na sayo yung mga dreams and aspirations mo, and I don't want to be the one who's gonna stop you from reaching them. I love you so much that I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for your dreams. Yes, sacrifice. Big word, considering how much I annoyed you. Sorry, I became so clingy then, it's because I wanted to get your attention.

I'm sorry. I hope you understand why I said yes, without any questions. Kasi nga yun yung gusto mo rin. And it's too painful, even to just ask why. Masakit na nga magtanong, what more yung marinig mo pa yung sagot, diba? I just wish you know how much I love you, that even though it hurts this much, I didn't dare go after you, or even ask about us, or even open a topic about us. I guess iniiwasan ko lang na baka mabara mo ko or whatever. And I hope you do get that the dinners I suggest are my little selfish quiet attempts to see you. And I think you get why I didn't propose any this month, and most especally this March. I hope you understand.

There. Kinda long. Believe me, this isn't even half of what I wanted to tell you.

12:58 AM | back to top

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

No, really.
I should really stop doing this. This won't even cause anything but distress to me, so I don't know why until now I'm still writing you these letters.

I have so many things to say, so much that when I try to start they get all jumbled up and I end up with nothing.

I saw that your paper won. Congratulations! Another achievement in your name. I realized I didn't do anything good to you when we were together. Like when you took up summer classes for the first time in 2009, you dropped a subject. Then you had a hard time in school, you didn't win awitan, your Ms. Engg didn't win, well Ms. Engg, you resigned from CAPES. And look at you now. Achievements here and there.

I guess I'm your jinx. Should I stay away from you for good? I'm thinking if I do, maybe you'll achieve better things.

Dillemma: I cannot delete you from facebook. People may say I'm bitter if I do that. Besides, we had an agreement to stay friends after the break up. But, this is making things so hard for me. I took you out of my newsfeed because I don't want to stalk you or see your name because I'd get interested again. But I ended up looking at your profile more often than before. Gahd I hate this. This is what Facebook makes of of people.

9:06 AM | back to top

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Seriously? Seriously?

Well okay, you might have done that when you were so freakinly annoyed with me, but SERIOUSLY. Haha.

Ta****a lungs. You could have just taken me off everything, un-friend me, block me. You could practically do anything. Haha.

Seriously Trish, why bother? Ta****a, you're not even supposed to know.

Pero kfine, I can live with that. I'm done with this shiz. Work your way to me if you want to, good luck with that. Never in the near future will you expect anything from me. I made myself so vulnerable to you, I became completely stupid. Fudge. So it's truuueeeeee. This whole freakin thing is true. I shouldn't have agreed in the first place. Ta****aaaaa. Sorry. Pardon me, I am fuming mad.

Heeeey. PML in the making, huh? FINE. What is supposed to be a month became a day just like that.


Wow. Ang arte ko magalit.

10:43 AM | back to top